Timshel.

Heat.

2010-06-05T07:52:00.001-07:00

Bus 66 is without air conditioning. At the very least, it's not on.

"So many things that we will never undo, I know you're sorry, I'm sorry too." The song sets the mood. "Only one thing that I did wrong, stayed in Mississippi a day too long."

With these words I am in two places at once: my car at the end of a park district summer, and here, aboard bus number 66 with no AC.

Israel is beginning to sweat. Like the occupants of this bus who make it their dwelling place from point A to point B, like the orthodox teen with pasty white tights and beads of sweat on her shapely nose, the summer in Tel Aviv expresses itself in unrelenting saturation.

It doesn't rain, but the sea wets the air.

It has been hot, but now it is more hot. Even the nights are building their threshold of burden, all in terms of humidity. My strategy for this nighttime oppression: get out of the house, or lay perfectly still, wearing as little as possible. Oh, and there is always a cold shower. Inspiring, no?

Politically, the heat is on and quiet spells are broken by stupidity (in my opinion). Tel Aviv is a self-made bubble. 'There is no conflict here,' someone might say to you. 'This is why we come. To get away from it. To party. To live life.' But by the very nature of an escape, by revelling in difference, a population defines the inescapable nature of their situation.

This is a world of oppositions. In Composing Postmodern Subjectivities, Bruce Mccomiskey presents the problematic tendency of constructing identity on the basis of cognitive and emotional oppositions. History, culture, and tradition set a general context, yet dichotomous labels such as 'good v. bad,' 'right v. wrong,' or 'black v. white,' reveal a overbearing tendency to define in terms of oppositional forces. In this sense, the response of Tel Aviv'ans to the question 'why they are here' is 'because they don't want to be there.'

A postmodern subjectivity would have it that a willingness to find a negotiable middle ground in communication can open channels for a healthy, holistic, and empathetic approach to diversity in all its forms (racial, ethnic, cultural, moral, etc.). Yet such analysis is not natural. Perhaps it can be taught, but it is not naturally assumed.

In The Clash of Civilizations, Samuel Huntington posits a related paradigm: that identity is the source of conflict, and we war to destroy difference.

On a more personal note, I question my own identity. From Christianity, to agnosticism, to I-don't-know-what.

On what might seem like a random note (but I trust you to make the connection), yesterday, I had the most pleasant date since I have been here. Blue eyes and blonde hair met green eyes and dark hair. 5' 11" met 5' 3". The son of a conservative Christian family met the daughter of a conservative Muslim family. Among other things, we talked of family and we laughed.

A quote to get me going.

2010-04-05T04:51:00.000-07:00

My mind is saturated with words and opinions, but I am lacking direction. I want to scatter thoughts across the page, but realize that a blog is for an audience in part. I have to bow, not because I am deep but because I can be confusing. So today I will let someone else speak for me.

In Political Economy, Rousseau questions the nature of patriotism. With the rise of "transnational interests" and evaporation of the borders between nations through rising globalization, "[h]ow among so many other interests, can patriotism grow?" This is his response:

"If children are brought up in common in the bosom of equality; if

they are imbued with the laws of the State and the precepts of the

general will; if they are taught to respect these above all things; if

they are surrounded by examples and objects which constantly re-

mind them of the tender mother who nourishes them, of the love

she bears them, of the inestimable benefits they receive from her,

and of the return they owe her, we cannot doubt that they will learn

to cherish one another mutually as brothers, to will nothing con-

trary to the will of society, to substitute the actions of men and citi-

zens for the futile and vain babbling of sophists, and to become in

time defenders and fathers of the country of which they will have

been so long the children."

Children and brothers and mothers. The elementary components of society in a way determine its manner and sense of existence.

Links.

2010-03-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I probably should have clarified this a long time ago, but wherever there is text in bold, please know that this is an external link I have purposefully chosen.

(Except in this post).

Examples from my last post: Nash's embedding theorem, idleness.

Theoretically, using these might connect the dots.

-Seth

The posture of success.

2010-03-02T01:27:00.000-08:00

My younger brothers have taught me a lot.

I do believe that belief is tied to perception, and sometimes in order for perception to become reality it must be grounded beyond it. The miracle of the self-fulfilling prophecy? A pathway to identity beyond self?

Probability tells me that my youngest brother will fail; he will miss the hoop on his very first attempt shoving a basketball through the air. Though 'failure' is a strong word, its connotation is representative of our humanly insufficient capacities, without persistence and without another element. Though I am most certain Aaron will fail the first time, do I encourage him any less? No! In fact, it is the opposite. There is a positive correlation between my "faith" and his real, measurable progress.

I am most likely to fail in my explanation of Nash's embedding theorem in my first attempt. Without serious devotion it is probable that I will fail completely in all attempts, but is it impossible? Maybe. Do I doubt myself all the more? No, I will posture myself for success.

You understand that I am an idealist when I make such statements, but certainly, encouragement and faith with intention, (if faith can exist without intention), will increase my propensity for success.

Aaron (11 years old), who can now move with the best of them on our backyard court, must receive belief until he can sufficiently believe in himself. And even this, is not enough. There are abilities yet to be discovered. Blank canvases to paint, the perfect coffee to brew, philosophy to ponder, photographs to take, motorcycles to understand, boroughs to explore, and journals to fill. All is progress through intention and belief beyond the present state.

Like other personal pronouns, the prefix 'self' often laughs at me with its inescapable banality, but in the context of a 'self-edifying community,' perhaps we find a more pleasurable use. Such a community takes on a singularity, composed of many and perpetuated by belief that exists apart from present reality. The evolution of ideas and action within reality.

As a whole, this is an argument not for evolution itself, but for the necessity of something more. A loose connection at the moment, but we will work on it.

Questions of existence are not easily settled as cornerstone. I may ask "why?" until my death. Yet this idea of belief beyond reality at hand is perhaps the furthest I can get my mind outside the linear moment in which I write, to a multiplicity of potential in future consequences.

Standing there in the driveway, watching Aaron with the ball in his hands and a basket towering 3 meters above, I get a sense of present reality: the weight of my upcoming words (if any), and the prophecy of intention in language; language not only in speech but through the sheen in my eyes and the focus of my faith.

In sickness and in health (and in being).

2010-02-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

I am becoming a subscriber to Bertrand Russell's idea of idleness.

Speaking of my generation, I feel that we have forgotten how to do nothing at all. This is not to be confused with sloth. This is my rant, straying on a slight tangent from Russell's advocacy for idleness to its relationship with being. My advocacy for doing nothing at all, which surely is an art.

Somewhere along our journey, some of us, have became obsessed with the absolute marriage of ideas and utility; the practice of only practical knowledge, and only as a span to some working man's definition of production. Having spilled into relationships, we forget that friendship, and even marriage itself, is not a means to an end; not merely a means of reproduction so that race is carried on. In sickness and in health is more than a simple forecast of physical condition, it is a matter of being.

We are losing touch with knowing for knowing's sake; being as a means of existence. We neglect our potential. As this philosophy of neglect spills into academia, knowledge takes second stage, and information assumes the lead. I am surrounded by students who seem to care more about a rigid definition of graded advancement than about where they are today. Creativity becomes the orphan of a so-called progress.

Watching, I find myself in a state of depression. This will continue to be a theme.

Children are the epitome of creative essence. They are the saplings of true knowledge. Their inquisitive nature and natural willingness to fail, an expression of wonder and existence. In early years, a lack of inhibition is rarely passed off as an impediment to a child's nature. Instruction does vary and at times is left to chance. Sadly, some roots only spread across the ground.

It is a rare adult who can stroke a cold, moss-covered stone for minutes upon end and then clench it in a fist as a prize, but a child will. In youth, a stick is worthy of affection. The adoration of an ant hill, worthy of a crouching stare and rust-colored knees.

The world becomes worthy of full intention, and dirty knees, a necessary ingredient.

With speech, expression becomes vocal, and the questions are asked: why and how? How do I live? Why do I sneeze? How does it work? Why do birds fly, and why can't I? Why does the sun set? Why can't I stay up? Why are you crying? Why?

At some point, we stop asking questions. Part of it is balance; contemplation before a fall. Yet often 'because' becomes good enough for the grown. Time is also an excuse, though in many cases I reflect on, unworthy.

We have pigeon-holed the world, defined it, if not by our words than by our actions. There is often more revelation in what is done than what is said. If this is true, if we cannot exist in a balance of action with still 'contemplative thought,' then sadly our self-created schedule becomes a prison; endless toil, a pathetic ball and chain.

Rather than sit in what meaning is, we create meaning to fill a void; action to make ourselves comfortable with reality.

I used to work with a man named Pete. We fought fires together, and in rare moments of solitude, sat in the dust of empty deer trails. The forest was silent, crusted with burnt wood, the aroma of smoke, and stray sunlight turning ashen crust into obsidian. When the season ended Pete disappeared to a lonely ranch somewhere in middle-of-nowhere, Idaho. The crew joked loud enough so that he could hear: teased him about being out of touch through the winter. Pete never replied. He left that autumn.

I smile just thinking about it. Pete, one of the hardest workers I have known, was okay with silence, with rest, and idleness. I imagine him out there, splitting firewood, snowshoeing the hills, white from horizon to horizon, and sitting.

Everything in balance.

Being is elusive, silence taught to be awkward. But stop and feel the air about your fingers. Listen to your own breath. This is a beginning.

"The day is real;

the sky clicks securely into place over the mountains,

locks round the islands, snaps slap on the bay.

Air fits flush on farm roofs;

it rises inside the doors of barns and rubs at yellow barn windows.

Air clicks up my hand cloven into fingers and wells in my ears' holes,

whole and entire.

I call it simplicity,

the way matter is smooth and alone."

- Annie Dillard

The case for my hands. (incomplete)

2010-01-03T14:12:00.001-08:00

Waiting (1)., originally uploaded by sethwyncott.

When I was five, or small enough to process with 'kid logic', I aspired to be a garbage man. "Trash man," "rubbish man," "waste management," call it what you want. It is all the same. I remember watching a large truck swing to a rocking halt at the side of our house in suburban Lockport, Illinois. It roared to a stop and a man jumped off the back from his perch. Overalls, a t-shirt, and gloves. To me this was glory.

I was a simple child.

From the driveway, I dreamed of wearing those gloves and overalls. In my five year old mind, the most essential work was performed with gloves on. I dreamed of holding onto the back of that truck and riding through the neighborhood. I would see everyone, and they would see me; standing in the open air, perched on a moving vehicle.

Was there a degree of predictability in this choice?

Though I never made it to the herald of garbage men, I have pursued labor jobs and have been grateful for them. I believe they complement everything I have done.

All of us go through a process of socialization. Action and reaction based on upbringing and an infinite number of other factors. My father was a laborer; a diesel mechanic, a carpenter, an engineer, a technician, and now a manager. His father, a soldier in Guadacanal. My mother, a stay-at-home mom and homecare nurse; proud of both jobs. I, in turn, am thankful. Both parents educated me in their ways; indirectly through their actions, and directly through their words. Or maybe that works both ways. Neither of them were academics in the strict sense. But the fact that I exist here at Tel Aviv University is surely connected to their prodding and instruction.

Of my generation, I am the first in my extended family to finish a bachelor's degree. I am the first to join an M.A. program. And maybe, I will be the first to finish. This first of education does not add to my inherent worth, or take away from anyone else's. I approach it only from a point of socialization.

Looking at my family history I can see why I would dream of labor. Becoming a garbageman, a fireman, or even a mechanic. Not everyone looks at grease with attraction, or can become absorbed with the smell of sawdust, but sometimes I do. Matthew B. Crawford argues for the beauty and intelligence of working hands.

There is intelligence in the labor of hands.

I found this in firefighting. Processing on the go. Watching the sky for falling ash. Or casting an upwards glance at dropping limbs; slow rocking widowmakers. Action: deliberate, measurable action. Once I overcame the first couple months of muscle strains, blisters and exhaustion, I took my place and loved the work. It grew on me progressively. Waking at 5AM to string my boot laces through golden hooks. Smelling smoke on my shirt. Stuffing food in my mouth, and pushing line all day long. Digging, moving through the forest at 7,000 feet. Becoming comfortable enough to chew sunflower seeds, while spitting the shells between swings, and still remembering to breathe.

I will always have a connection to the fire world.

In a way, this past year I returned to the labor of my hands. Looking for cash and a comfortable schedule, I found a simple summer job--park district maintenance. I was utility man. I did anything. Cleaning lawnmowers, fixing fences, dragging baseball diamonds, weeding flowerbeds, trimming tree limbs, basic PVC plumbing, painting field markers (I paint a crooked line), digging random trenches, and even boating across placid subdivision ponds and throwing dust in the air. I laughed a lot this summer, and even made some friends.

Today I am physically far from these worlds. As much as I loved the demanding simplicity, I needed more. And this is why I'm a student? "Give it time," I tell myself. I have a unique opportunity and I carry it with responsibility. For now, I exercise my mind, yet I hope to someday return to my hands, at least in part.

I have not lost the calluses yet.

I hope you don't give up.

2009-12-07T02:54:00.001-08:00

I have been reluctant to write. Searching for thoughts worth sharing; those I feel comfortable revealing.

Cold rain is falling outside. This morning, thunder woke me from the couch. A friend from the fireline is staying with me. I took the sofa, and gave him my bed.

It would be a good day to sleep in, with gray skies and chilling rain, but now I am one floor below the ground, at the library. Preparing for class, but not really. Maybe just escaping into silence by myself, before I excitedly and reluctantly enter the classroom.

International Development people are strange folk. I grow tired of their postmodern drudgery. Empty words without definition. "But we want to change the world," they say. "To benefit humankind; to bring light to those in darkness."

But in the quiet of my mind I ask, "where does the dark come from? And from where do you gain your concept of light?"

Goodness must have a source, and I know that it is not 'I'. With my great human potential for evil, change for my sake alone is worth nothing to me. The world is not subjective; "rightness" is not "rightness" when and where I say it is. There is something greater, and I will find it.

I am weary.

Tel Aviv, so far.

2009-11-08T02:31:00.000-08:00

Tel Aviv has quite an impressive street art scene. The Israeli-Palestinian conflict seems to stir the artistic heart of whatever side one might align themselves with. Other than graffiti murals, I hope to capture pieces of where I now live.

Bear with me and I will make a greater effort to take my camera out. Enjoy.

Outside of the apartment. Ha'Kovshim.

Not mine. But oh, how I wish it was.

The bottom half of a "graffiti shop" door.

No. 8.

2009-10-31T02:36:00.001-07:00

I am trying to emulate the study habits of the greats. Who might they be? Monks and nuns, perhaps? Although, where their practice may often be in silence, mine is taking a slightly divergent note.

I have begun to familiarize myself with the central library on campus. Its appearance is quite bland. The carpet is old, thin in spots from frequent treading. The colors, a bit dreary. Perhaps thousands of volumes are on the shelves. I love to be surrounded by literature, but when confronted with hit or miss class reading, sometimes I need a shove. One more push in the direction of inspiration. One more driving nail to secure ideas to the wall; to catch falling thoughts.

As I sit, I imagine a shadow of myself dancing around the room, running for ideas and wandering notions. Papers waft slowly from above. Yellow sheets. Blue sheets. White sheets of paper. Lined and graphed. Dropping from beyond the ceiling, they cascade towards the ground. And there I am, looking like a frantic trader. With ruffled papers squeezed between my elbow and my left side, I stride about the room. My right arm extended, I snatch them from the air and force them to the pile. These papers--ideas, theories, words, names--float through my conscious realm, and for a moment my shadow holds them for a more permanent memory. Others, they pass on. Ideas for later. Papers dropping through the floor like ghosts, on to the next boy reading alone.

Somehow, without theme and melody--alone with the silence of fluttering papers--this imagery creates chaos in my mind. But with music, there is a soundtrack to the paper rain. Now, instead of running, I walk. Instead of tearing through literature, I simply lean into the back of a chair. I recline on my elbow and take what I can.

I have purchased some new music. New albums for new inspiration. I have convinced myself I need this. Based on a well thought recommendation, I have bought Mahler's Symphony No. 8, performed by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. Having listened to the 1st Symphony, I have been told I am ready for the 8th. My theory has not yet been tested in the library, but at home I am finding success. First performed in Munich in the early 20th century, with a chorus of 850 and an orchestra of 171 you can imagine the sheer might! Suddenly, my pathetically bland living room is no matter. The piece is reaching its conclusion. The final stanza, "Alles Vergangliche". The choir sends chills from my shoulders to my legs. The organ thunders to life. I lean my head back and close my eyes. Please, do not end.

I think this will do.

Back to school.

2009-10-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have found a cafe. Slowly, I am becoming a regular.

A large window is open behind me. Momentary breeze cools the sweat of my back. Humidity seeps through the cracks. The chef, in white, walks in. Halfway through a smoke break. Under low light, a cigarette glows between his finger tips. Squeezed between his knuckles. Funk falls in deep beats from the speakers on the ceiling. Herbie Hancock. A palm tree stands in the sidewalk. Fronds move on occasion. If I ignore all the asphalt and steel, I am almost not in Tel Aviv. I am almost in the Middle East. But not quite.

The third week of class will soon begin. I approach it with excitement and trepidation. I am a graduate student. Time marches on.

The year will be intense. After all, an MA in a single year should be quite a feat. Thankfully, my peers and colleagues are proving to be quite encouraging. We hail from all parts of the globe. Thirty-eight of us altogether. Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, America, Canada, England, the Netherlands, Germany, Turkey, Israel, Nigeria, Uganda, Rwanda, and Japan. With equally diverse backgrounds, discussion provides a strong backing to material. For this first semester, the first of three, we will all take the same classes. The other two semesters will allow for some variation. Here is the current schedule:

Monday:
-Cross-Cultural Perspectives of Conflict Resolution and Mediation
-Conflict and International Law
-Principles and Processes of Negotiation in Conflict Resolution

Tuesday:
-Political Approaches to Internation Conflicts and their Resolution
-Research Methods (Yuck)

Wednesday:
-Israeli Politics and Society
-History of the Middle East (Thus far, a personal favorite)

Thursday:
-Alternative Dispute Resolution
-Socio-Psychological Theories of Conflict Resolution

This is the inaugural year of the International Master's program in Conflict Resolution and Mediation. We are all a bit frazzled; administrators, professors, and students. Things are in slight disarray, but to a degree this is to be expected. Our professors come from all over the country. From Haifa, from Tel Aviv, from Jerusalem. We have 9 classes in 4 days, Monday through Thursday. There are school trips to be planned. Internships to be found. Language classes to find. Speakers to schedule. Special events to attend. And all within a year.

How will we accomplish all of this? Somehow, that's how.

Will I die in the process? Maybe.

Will I be reborn, a stronger individual? I would like to think so. Actually, I believe so.

Literary triage.

2009-10-20T04:41:00.001-07:00

This blog could have easily been titled 'Dostoevsky drops my jaw', 'Nietzsche makes me kneel', 'Kazantzakis kicks my can', or maybe even 'Derrida makes me cry confusing tears'. But moving on instinct and passion, Kerouac steals the day. Ahem, the title.

Is it obsessive to say literature could be my girlfriend? Oh, its just a joke. Don't worry all you want to be Freudian psychoanalysts, literature is not my girlfriend. And 'this' sentence certainly doesn't flow like the song. For most of you though, my new devoted readers, the names of these authors will instantly ring a bell in your mind. Even the most self-admittedly clueless should at least recognize, or experience a hinting subconscious notion, of at least one name. If not, shame on you! Visit a library, they are free. These names stand as pillars in literary history.

On a personal level, the emotional effects of where and when I read is equally powerful. Reading The Birth of Tragedy while questioning the nature of injustice did drop me to my knees. Reading To Build A Fire, even in the oppressive heat of Bangladesh, made me shiver.

Literature, from the Latin word for "acquaintance with letters", incites deep, personal meaning. The terms 'book' or 'novel' may hold some credibility on their own, but to me nothing compares to the mental picture of Melville penning the first pages of Moby Dick. Or of Franklin racing into the night on a journey to complete his Autobiography; a momentary surge of literary inspiration; just one more sentence.

Even now, names crowd my brain. 'Swift makes me slaphappy'. 'Solzhenitsyn makes me shiver (and want to grow an amazing beard)'. I imagine all of the above arguing with me for rights to the title. Thomas Paine tells me the answer should be clear. Vonnegut is sarcastic, as always. I like him, but for now I don't care what he thinks. And poor Melville, he just sulks away when I shrug and tell him, no. He has obviously not yet caught on to my feigned apathy. For all he knows Moby Dick was a tragic literary attempt.

For me, these names are more than just a bell. They are a gong, reverberating beneath the surface of my skin.

You can imagine my concern in deciding which books to bring with me to Israel. A fraction of my personal library was stacked at my feet and about the basement. Standing there I felt like an old hen of a nurse, or a rooster in my case, caught at the scene of disaster. I clucked about, forced to triage the deserving victims. Who will I leave behind?

I tried to pick a few that would aid me as a graduate student. White Man's Burden - William Easterly and Walled: Israeli Society at an Impasse - Sylvain Cypel. But to pass my reasoning as only academic, offsets what I am trying to prove: that literature, a book if you will, is enjoyable. It must be, if you are to be profoundly affected. I do not regard reading as an academic to be a dysfunction, but if passion for reading is first instilled--education will naturally follow.

So what did I bring? Without further ado:

The Shia Revival - Vali Nasr
White Man's Burden - William Easterly
Walled: Israeli Society at an Impasse - Sylvain Cypel
The Formation of the Economic Thought of Karl Marx - Ernest Mendel
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
To Know as We Are Known - Parker J. Palmer
The Gift of Death and Literature in Secret - Jacques Derrida
Of Spirit: Heidegger and the Question - Jacques Derrida
A Kierkegaard Anthology - edited by Robert Brethall

What are you reading?

Anecdotes from ink.

2009-10-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

We learn the most in retrospect, so I believe. Time is always moving. To us, it is linear. Seconds turn to minutes turn to hours. As I recline in a Tel Aviv cafe, my life ticks onward. A pendulum clicks in my mind, like the pendulum of my father's clock on the living room wall. Listen to its swing: *click click click click*.

Listen to sounds of movement--apparent to ears, too silent to find without focus. I think I hear my stubble growing, pressing through the skin. Look up. Throaty voices chatter in Hebrew. A coffee cup clinks on a platter. I hear but do I understand? I am in a tunnel, traveling, looking for focus and questioning this place. I write with ambiguity, trying to transfer the search from my mind to these black keys at fingertips.

I am in Israel.

[Monday, October 12th ---------- 1:07 AM
Tel Aviv, this is my new home. I am almost moved in,
but not quite. Two bags remain on the floor,
unzipped yet half unpacked.
I wait for nothing.
Reading what has been recommended for class,
this idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy,
is just one among many related to
positive outcomes in mediation
and conflict resolution.
Yet perhaps this is one of my favorites
for the initial capitulation;
the entry into the fray.
Attitude is everything. For many of us, we choose to make
our situation what it is. Choice.
These ideas, I have made my own
over the past year, most likely longer,
and to see them applied in a qualitative
research-based setting is encouraging.
They are basic, of course, but they still keep at heart
a central theme of humanity:
you may choose to see what is in front of you
as a blessing or a curse;
as fate or as divine influence.
Whatever the world around you supposes
is not completely cast off from legitimacy,
but for the sake of emotional fortitude
of a personal nature,
may you choose your attitude.
There is yet a common thread that runs through humanity.
I am convinced of it, and it will take
a great reckoning
for me to give up my position.
Importantly, this is not an idea that lumps
all of humanity together with blind
consideration for intrinsic and unique value,
rather this simply means that somehow
we all have the power to shut our eyes
or to open them.
More is to come if we choose to look.
I will not give up my search.
This is only the beginning.
Everyday is a beginning.
May you grab it.]

Incapable of stepping outside self, of peering through the eyes of another, I am left with no other perception but my own. Staring through the filter of personal experience I find that the past is crushing. Yet revealing. Closed as a book, yet gaping open. The past few years have been tumultuous. In some ways I feel that the very foundation of my understanding rocked to the ground. A divorce. An exploration of faith in the Far East and beyond. The completion of university, and now the beginning of a master's program in Conflict Resolution and Mediation at Tel Aviv Unversity. The cornerstone of my existence has been questioned repeatedly and if you were to ask me, just a few months ago, where I stood in this quest for belief, I would have told you that agnosticism is all I accept. I would have told you to "ask me tomorrow" (SK). But oh, how a choice to actively search rather than apathetically sit in the dust has brought me here. I might still tell you, ask me tomorrow. I might tell you to patiently wait. I am in a process of rebuilding. Structuring answers out of ambiguity. Facing the present. But first, look to the past.

[Friday October 2nd, 2009 ---------- 12:56AM
The ambiguity of development work is
sometimes crushing to me.
How do I find relevance in my attempt to relate
within Buddhist culture,
or Hindu culture,
or Muslim culture?
Those who choose to follow this career path,
this pursuit of vocation or calling,
must be comfortable with ambiguity;
comfortable with allowing and often inspiring others
to find their own answers.
This is sustainability.
For those in pursuit of Christ,
or those who believe stalwartly
in the rightness of their burning cause,
this seemingly subjective reality could create
a major crisis of faith.
But speaking for myself,
maybe I have missed
'the' fundamental truth of development.
If God is the omnipotent being
that He is described to be,
and if we are to believe our freedom of choice
is a reality,
then presenting myself as an open catalyst
for the sake of another man
existing just one more day
might be the very best that I can do.
If this is so, then perhaps
the example of Christ lives in me to an extent
more than I would readily believe.
Truth proves freedom,
but does not freedom also prove truth?
Maybe the very words,
"you choose"
are exactly what someone needs to hear
in order to send their heart
into a heavy beat,
that lifts their eyes to mine,
which in a lasting glint says to them,
"yes, freedom exists in something greater than me."]

I am in pursuit of adventure. In an indirect 'thank you' to Luke Helm, I have discovered the title of this blog.

In the 11th chapter of On the Road, Kerouac writes: "When I found him in Mill City that morning he had fallen on the beat and evil days that come to young guys in their middle twenties." In response:

[Thursday, August 27th ---------- 1:03PM
The evils days are upon me.
All happiness seems a facade;
spending money, a distraction for the moment.
There is turmoil beneath the surface.
And how much of this is a fault of my own?
How flippant the human heart is.
One instant I am rejoicing in my flight through life;
I follow my own leads,
never taking the roads below
but gliding through the sky on a path of my own.
It is unmarked and sometimes even unknown
to me for days and weeks,
or perhaps just an hour.
No matter,
my head is in the clouds and that is a good place to be,
right?
I didn't know it before,
but Kerouac has cast a shadow
of what I hope my life is becoming;
in some ways, fully cognizant of love in the flesh;
love for taste, and sound, and sight.
The sight of long legs and dark eyes
and mountaintops and lunatics
and a few other mid-twenty somethings
who intersect my life and I theirs.
We meet in random places.
A home welding shop in Missoula,
a boulder-strewn mountain slope in Idaho,
a guesthouse in Kathmandu,
a language school in Dhaka,
a wedding table in Warrenville.
The faces of my generation,
in pursuit of fulfillment.]

From a scribbled entry on the page, I search for definition. What brought me from Joliet, to Cambodia, to Nepal, has now brought me to Israel.

Sitting here in this cafe, I like to imagine Jack Kerouac, himself, across from me. Leaning forward onto the table, pressing his elbows into the wood, and curling his fingers into fists as he emphatically stares into my eyes with wide open wonder, and I into his. As he lurches forward to swap a tale with me, the night moves on in Tel Aviv.

He leans back to catch a breath. I do the same.

"How did I arrive here, in Israel of all places?" I ask him. And as time clicks onward the two of us bask in its glow. The past melts into now.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? — it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies." -- On the Road